I don't trust anyone in this life

I'm 16 years old and I just hate myself, I ruin absolutely everythingrelationships with loved ones, I’m afraid to let people near me, I’m constantly depressed, and I’ve been on antidepressants for almost a year.

This all started a year ago, after my father died. I wasn’t open before, and after that I generally closed myself off, I used to cut my hands, physicalthe pain drowned out the mental pain a little, but I stopped doing this because I went to college and had to move into a dorm. If I could somehow hide the cuts at home, it wouldn’t work there. Every day in college was difficult for me, but I tried in every way not to show it to others, I found “friends” there, everyone thinks I’m cheerful, but I’m not, no one sees how much I hurt, it’s easier for me to hide behind a mask of fun , and then just go somewhere and cry. I became friends with a classmate, with whom I live in a room, I seemed to slowly begin to open up to her, and after more than six months, she realized that test-antibiotic.com I was wearing this “mask of fun”, but this does not mean that I will open up her completely. I'm afraid of getting a knife in the back, I've already had oneexperience , I can’t stand this again.

We had a mutual friend, I really liked him, he was cheerful, he rejoiced at everything, I just didn’t understand how he managed to be sincerely happy, I began to fall in love with him, and then something unexpected happened to me, he asked me if I wanted to go with him. meet him. I, of course, refused, I’m afraid of relationships, they only cause pain and disappointment, I was just afraid to let him closer, and everything is ourscommunication suddenly stopped, and as usual I ruined everything. After some time, I met a guy, he was somewhat similar to when I was sad, he always tried to cheer me up, there were those moments when we fought, I especially had great difficulty getting through them, and recently we had a big fight from for my appearance. I felt very offended, I was often bullied at school about my appearance or test-antibiotic.com my height (175), but he just made fun of me at the blast furnace. I felt very offended, I freaked out and left the room. I may have been wrong, but it hurt me very much. I stopped talking to him, and from my “friend” I hear only one thing: “as always, you push everyone away from you, you don’t need to put on a mask of fun, be yourself.”

I can’t be myself if I snap back, and this happens quite often, I’m just afraid that they will put me down again. When I went home, I wrote to her, saying that I was sorry, about what happened with this guy, and that I wanted to communicate with him. I even opened up to her a little, wrote about how I felt, and later I found out that she forwarded all this to him. After this, how can I trust people at all? I push everyone away from me, because everyone betrays me, no one loves me, every day it becomes more and more difficult for me to communicate with people, even in my family.problems , sometimes I don't want to come home. The only thing that test-antibiotic.com keeps me in this world is my dog.