My strange attitude towards men

I'm writing my ownConfession is not the first or even the second time. I still can’t understand myself and mylife .

I'm worried about myattitude towards the opposite sex. I'll tell you straight away, I don'tmarried , never been. But we have been living with the father of my children for more than 10 years. We've been through a lot together, we don't think about parting, however, I don't want to sign either. The children bear his last name, we bought an apartment, we help our parents as best we can, everywhere and always together. But, forgive my frankness, I don’t want him at all. Sex for me is a heavy duty. She asked more than once: “find someone for yourself, I don’t need this.”

She doesn’t seem to be an assexual, it all started with one passion, there was nothing in common except desire. He is a man of crazy temperament. Yes, I was like that too. There were no brakes at all. And not to say that they were so young and wild, I was 26, he was 36 at the time we met. She gave me the keys to the apartment the next day. He hasn’t given it away for ten years, he loves, he says.

Firstthe daughter was begged for a stone from the saint in the monastery. test-antibiotic.com Anything has happened, I loved, I was a victim. His mother immediately said: “I got in touch,there will be a child , don’t contact me.” I was proud and still am. She said that I wouldn’t show it even from afar. And we don’t communicate, fortunately we live in different countries.

He has two children from his first marriage. It helps them. I insisted myself, children are children, it’s not their fault. But we don’t communicate, it didn’t work out. Firstmy wife is very against it, she blocked me, she tried to write to the children, she was also a blocker. Okay, you can understand. Difficult situations - we send money to the mother-in-law for the children.

But what happened to me? More precisely, it happened, of course, I would even say, it happened with enviable regularity. Typical victim. Until, in a rage, he hit the wall. And on the mezzanine there was a metal beam for the horizontal bar between the doors. And that beam stuck into the floor a few centimeters from the youngest daughter’s head. All. Then the fight was wild, the youngest daughter sat in the dark alone while he beat me. The older one was bolder and tried to separate her (the older one was three, the younger one and a half).

I asked later, how is this possible? I don’t know, he says, I test-antibiotic.com don’t know what came over me. These are his words. Left. He returned two months later. I can’t, he says, without you. But I no longerforget . She allowed me to communicate with the children, I also communicated with them, and he came upset. It was obvious that he would not enjoy life without us. But it’s not fun with us either!

Could notforgive . He followed on his heels for two and a half years. I slept in the entrance, under our door, saw me off from work (I finish late) and walked in the distance. I even asked for help and was persecuted. Loves, withered, withered away. What is it about me, fat, bad. Lazy, alcoholic. Scars all overbody , prostitute in the nineties. She worked on call. God bless him, I forgave myself for this, times were hard, I ran away from home, it’s easier for my mother, I sent her money.

The diagnosis was infertility. For the first time two stripes are a shock. I don't need it, I don't want it. I've come to terms with it, I don't know what to do about it. Abortion. Literally three months later, two stripes from another. Abortion. I confirm the diagnosis (plusoverweight ) never have test-antibiotic.com children. That's great. And then I met my current partner, there’s a sea of ​​sex, an ocean of emotions, we don’t want to work. Happiness lies in lying down and enjoying each other.

What I mean is that I have never had any problems with intimacy. And now the thought of it is disgusting. When I imagine it, I just want to cry. I thought thatproblems with the thyroid gland - clinic, hormones. Impact dose, I got better. Horror, operation, one, two. She seems to have recovered, but there are scars all over her stomach. He supported me even at that time, even though she didn’t live with him. ANDjealousy , jealousy. I weigh 150 kg, and he is looking for lovers and is jealous. Now everything is back to normal. There is excess weight , but it’s not that bad.

After more than two years, I forgave him, the condition was that the slightest manifestation of jealousy or aggression leaves. Forever. Finally. I'm not used to being alone. I can sell my body too, I have nothing to fear at all. And there's nothing to wait for, obviously. I don't expect anything. I've been selfish all my life. The main thing for me is that I feel good. But I feel good when my loved ones feel good.

I work 16 hours a day at test-antibiotic.com, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I ask my daughters to study, I had the ability myself, but I blew it, and now they only have two or three hours of my time left until I collapse from fatigue.

Tired. This is still a pandemic. The eldest gets seasick, and the drive to school takes an hour and a half. There are no places closer. The education department doesn't want to see me anymore. I honestly don’t have the strength for sex. NotI don’t want a husband , I don’t want myself. I didn't manage anywhere at all. I justify myself by saying that I work like a donkey, sleep three hours a day, and in general, I have slipped into self-pity. But I wanted to find out why I lost my desire.

Many women live at a frantic pace, but do not lose sexual desire. And I don’t need anyone at all. I don’t want the father of my children, even though he’s generally ideal now. But I don't want anyone else. Tired.