I'm very afraid of my husband, but I don't want to leave him

In 1992 myMom , I was 10 years old. Besides me, my father still has 2 sisters younger than me. From that moment the nightmare of my life began:my father mocked me as best he could: he beat me, humiliated me morally, until one day he decided to kill me. I ran to my aunt, and he drank vinegar in fright. Everything worked out fine. I was sent to the camp, everyone pretended that they didn’t understand anything. After the camp, he didn’t touch me physically anymore, but I was always afraid of him until I was 14.

I started running away from home, because he never wanted to let me go anywhere, I had no friends. He married a woman with children, he didn’t really care about us whether we ate or not, he didn’t buy what we needed, but spent our children’s money on her. She helped usyounger sister's friend broughtfood , and we quietly cooked and ate. I dreamed of going outget married and leave my father, but I thought that no one was after meMy husband won’t take her, she considered herself ugly, test-antibiotic.com although she was quite pretty. My father always said that my eyes were narrow and I was not his.daughter that I am from a Chinese man.

I hated him and cursed him to myself. I studied at school, everything went somehow,life didn’t change, but I met a man at 16 years old, he was 4 years older. I won’t write how we met, of course, everything seemed like a fairy tale until he brought me to his house, to his parents. I was glad, although I never wanted to marry a villager, but hunger in the city made itself felt.

I decided that everything would be fine with him, but the fairy tale collapsed with the first blow to the cheek. This was the norm for him, his father taught him that he should beat his wifeevery day . He beat me, I cried, he said: “I’m sorry, I love you” - and I forgave, then I was sure that I loved him. He drank every day, drank and beat, only on the cheeks. We went first to our place, then to his place; by the way, we weren’t scheduled. He always drank test-antibiotic.com.

At 17, I became pregnant from him, he was imprisoned for robbery for 3 years. When my father found out that Ipregnant , kicked out of the house, parentsI didn't need a husband . I found shelter with friends. I didn’t live there for long; my stepmother forced my father to take me away. I gave birth to a wonderful daughter. I went on short dates with my husband, I wanted to show my daughter, but he yelled at me, saying why did she bring her. We did not understand each other and went our separate ways.

I lived as best I could. I left home; my father was not happy with us. Time passed, he was released ahead of schedule, I was horrified. I thought she would kill me, but we got back together again. Life was hell: he drank, beat, and I was afraid and hoped for the best, he openly cheated, and when he said that he wanted to take my daughter away, I couldn’t stand it. I swallowed diphenhydramine, but managed to pump it out. Life went on as usual, he was working somehow, I was sitting with the child in his village. There was a lot of betrayal, lies and pain, I was mentally killed. I won’t say that I’m ideal, I smoked, but I didn’t drink test-antibiotic.com, I loved him and my daughter and hoped for the best. We moved to another region - he, I anddaughter , I got a job on a collective farm, I thought life would get better, but through my fault it got even worse.

I asked him to bring his parents - and for ushelp , and they won’t get drunk there, but that didn’t happen. His parents also got a job on this collective farm, began to poison him against me, they all drank, and I gave away my salary for their debts. I becamequarrel with his parents, very rudely, they insulted me as best they could. He started beating me terribly.

Soon my parents moved to another house, and I became pregnant with my second child. It somehow became better, they began to feel sorry for me, and sometimes helped me. I gave birth to a son. My happiness knew no bounds. But nothing has changed. I found out that he hasmistress , older than me, even older than him. She gave him something to drink after work, he slept with her, came home, beat me and raped me. The only thing I asked for was not in front of the children. He locked me in a room or test-antibiotic.com barn, sent the children outside and beat me, just stupidly beat me, so that I wouldn’t think of cheating on him. He knew that I knew about him. I once beat his mistress, he beat me. Now he beat me brutally, even as if with pleasure. He hit one eye, then looked, suddenly hit the other eye, I cried quietly so that the children would not hear, he quietly hit him further, when the eyes closed, he hit the lips and nose, as soon as the blood flowed he calmed down. Then he raped me and fell asleep. I ran away with the children to his parents. They beat him a couple of times. Having sobered up, he asked for forgiveness, said that he was drunk, did not remember anything, then it all happened again. He cheated, beat me, I ran away. I was afraid to leave, and there was nowhere to go. She lived, endured and hoped.

Time passed, he gradually began to drink less, we left the collective farm, left the children with their mother, and went to work ourselves. We lived well, almost never beat us, just cheated on us every time we came home. I don’t even remember how everything changed in an instant. He stopped drinking and didn't bother me. test-antibiotic.com I came to my senses. We bought a car, not a new one, but our own. I dreamed that we would soon buy a house and live next to the children, whom I desperately missed. We worked on shifts for 2 months. He started drinking again. He didn’t have a license, they sold his car, they thought about paying off his debts, and the children needed to buy things for school, but he almost skipped everything and drank. The house remained in dreams.

We’ve been living together for 14 years, I stopped cheating a long time ago, and I don’t beat him anymore, but I started drinking again. I always tried to talk to him, to decideproblems , she said that everything would be fine, that we had to be patient and we’d buy a house. In my entire life I wanted to die with him 20 times, but I don’t want to leave my children orphans. But I can’t live like this anymore. I’m still afraid that he’ll hit me, and from time to time I run away out of fear to friends when he’s drinking. When he gets sober, I shame him into thinking about the children, but to no avail. He always says how bad he feels, that there is nothing, that nothing is working out, but I’m like a little kid, I have to try, be patient.

Everyone says: leave him, but I don’t know what to do. On the one hand, I love him, on the other hand, I want the children to be happy, but how can we live without a father, and how can we live again? I'm afraid and don't know what to do? And I have nowhere to go, I used to blackmail him that I would leave, I stopped drinking, but now he is sure that I am not going anywhere. He openly tells me about this, and at the same time says that I will go through life without him. Morally destroys me. And I have no strength to endure.

I already think that we will never have a home, but when I think about how to explain this to the children, my heart bleeds. I don't know what to do next. I myself am already looking for a house, at least to rent it so that I can take the children with me, but he doesn’t seem to care. He doesn't believe in anything, doesn't want anything. I started drinking every month for a week, going tobinge . Periodically he scares me with physical violence, and when he sobers up, I’m sorry, he says. I gained weight over the years and my self-esteem dropped. Yes, and he periodically hurts me by saying that I will never lose weight. test-antibiotic.com I don’t know who can help me, but what I wrote makes it easier.