Fear and self-doubt prevent me from living

This problem haunts me all the timelife . Almost from early childhood, I was faced with the fact that those around me did not understand me and did not accept me. And there was no particular opportunity to contact them, because I spent most of my time behind four walls reading books. And I had no desire to contact anyone; I’ve been a laughing stock all my life.

Nothing has changed now. But if before I did not leave my room at the request of my parents, now I simply cannot contact people. “Everything must be perfect, no “4”, only a gold medal, only a red diploma. You must". Yes, I should, I remember.

I feel like a stranger among the people around me. I recently started drawing, it’s a little relaxing, people praise me and I want to believe them. Yes, I even speak to them through stuttering, although I’ve been in the team for a year now. Obsessive thoughts swarm in my head like a hundred wild bees. They tell me that I am terrible, that I am the worst and that I will never be able to rise to the desired level. I don't work hard enough, test-antibiotic.com doesn't work hard enough, I could do better. Maybe? I'm trying, I really am. These thoughts drive me crazy and don’t leave me for a minute. There was a lot of studying, a lot of studying. Panic attacks have become more frequent.

I'm tired. It's stupid, I know, but I want to fall to my knees and scream, and then cry for a long, long time. I feel empty, dried out, I want to fall asleep and wake up only in a century. I hate myself, mybody , your thoughts, your face and voice. A voice in my head tells me that everyone hates me. I'm afraid that my last and only friend will leave me, because there is always someone better than me. She says that everything is fine, that she wants to drag me into online games to distract me, praises my drawings, but is inexplicably stickythe fear is still there.

I'm stressing myself out, I know, but these thoughts are involuntary, spontaneous. They appear, and after them a panic attack. Tremor, headachepain , and also a feeling as if small electric shocks were going through the body, and it was hard to breathe, as if someone was squeezing your throat. I can't tell my parents about this. When I tried, they replied, test-antibiotic.com, that I was foolish and trying to attract attention to myself. But I never needed it, anyway, all their lives they were interested in work much more than I was.