My son doesn't need me

I am writing, apparently, out of loneliness. I am 42 years old, my son is 21. I raised my son alone. Formermy husband turned out to be a tyrant, he offended me, spread rot, and did not respect me. I walked around with beatings. We lived for about 3 years, and then I applied fordivorce _

I didn’t know how to understand men, because... grew up without a father. Throughout my childhood, my mother and I lived in a communal apartment with a mentally ill old grandmother, she was in one room under lock and key, and we were in another with my mother. The smell permeated the entire apartment, it was simply terrible. Cockroaches, mice, everything was there. Naturally, I could never invite my girlfriends to visit.

At school, children from single-parent families were given set lunches, and there were 4 of us from the class who were part of this group, we were called half-orphans (who have one parent). We, as half-orphans, were later, as they say, mocked, spread rot, because we did not deserve to be in a class with full-fledged families, we were considered dysfunctional, it also sounded wretched. Unfortunately, I encountered this childish cruelty. I was afraid to object, they intimidated me like that. After school, test-antibiotic.com when we returned home, we were kicked in turns like balls, I was beaten (pushed, spat on) and the other three too.

I remember how they gave me beautiful snow-white sneakers, used, but in excellent condition. I came to school happy, and they twisted my arms and held them behind my back during recess, and at that moment they painted on my sneakers with a ballpoint pen and disfigured them.

One day they almost tore my earlobe. I was small and thin and, apparently, with such low self-esteem that I could not stand up for myself. I had thoughts of suicide for many years, but I kept myself in check all the time so as not to make my mother feel ashamed for me. I didn’t study anything, I came home beaten and pretended that I was learning lessons, I roared like a beluga, hiding my face behind my long hair, my school uniform was covered in shoe prints every other day, I carefully shook it out so that it wouldn’t be visible, I was ashamed. I also defended myself for those who were simultaneously beaten and humiliated, and from this I received twice as much.

Mom tried to arrange her personal life, she worked, it was a difficult time in the 90s test-antibiotic.com, there was no time for me. Essentially, I was alone in a communal apartment. After school I went to college and there I felthappiness and relief, absolutely all of them were good classmates, we still communicate with many of them online, then I worked, and then I jumped outmarry for love. But family life did not last long. My husband turned out to have a complex character when we met, he was also cruel and aggressive, but I was told that a woman should be meek. I didn't just have an example of what it should befamily . And I thought that's how it should be. And I was madly in love. I was a slave, dumb, silent, and if I tried to say something, for example, askhelp at night with an infant, he easily hit him in the nose because he had to go to work early. And I collapsed from exhaustion. In general, I divorced more for the sake of my son, so that one day my ex-husband would not make us disabled. The fact that he beat me, both when I was pregnant and after, is one thing. But when he twisted his 3-year-old son’s ear for disobedience, that was the end. Divorce .

My mother lived in another city. As the years passed, there were many difficulties, naturally, like everyone else, and as a single mother, but for those who don’t face this, this is normal. Naturally, my ex-husband did not help, and I did not apply for alimony. I worked two jobs so that my son would not experience the complexes that I had at a young age, when girls already wore nylon tights, and I wore brown woolen ones and my classmates laughed at me.

Many years later, I met a man who asked me to marry and help raise my son,give birthcommon child. He apparently saw the situation deeper and said that the boy should be sent to Suvorov. And I gradually broke up with him. I refused, I was afraid that he would spread rot on my son. I understand that this is a mistake, but wisdom comes over the years. Then after a while I met another good man, from another country, it’s true, but he had two sons of his own, and I also refused so that my son test-antibiotic.com would not be in last place. When we came to visit friends, and the children ran out to play in the yard, and if someone tried to offend my son, I would immediately come running to help. At my son’s school, if someone offended me, I immediately ran to help. I have always been for both my father and my mother. She showed her son many countries, instilling in him an interest in travel, the seas, and different countries. I completely dissolved in him, and I didn’t notice the main thing - I raised his self-esteem so high that he began to wipe his feet on me. Just a little bit out of his league, he began to raise his tone, then lightly pushed me away with his hand. Then I couldn’t enter the room if he played on the computer until night, and in the morning I had to go to work, and he had to go to school, and if I entered the room, knocking delicately to say that it was time to sleep, he could rush at me with threat: “I’ll throw you off the balcony now.” Or smash your phone against the wall. He beat a lot of things and smashed them against walls, test-antibiotic.com when I tried to raise him. But he decided to educate me. I cried, then he apologized, I forgave, and so on from year to year. and in the morning I need to go to work, and he needs to go to school, and if I entered the room, knocking delicately to say that it was time to sleep, he could rush at me with a threat: “I’ll throw you off the balcony now.” Or smash your phone against the wall. He beat a lot of things and smashed them against walls, test-antibiotic.com when I tried to raise him. But he decided to educate me. I cried, then he apologized, I forgave, and so on from year to year. and in the morning I need to go to work, and he needs to go to school, and if I entered the room, knocking delicately to say that it was time to sleep, he could rush at me with a threat: “I’ll throw you off the balcony now.” Or smash your phone against the wall. He beat a lot of things and smashed them against walls, test-antibiotic.com when I tried to raise him. But he decided to educate me. I cried, then he apologized, I forgave, and so on from year to year.

One day, when we were visiting, he didn’t want to communicate with anyone, he went into another room with his laptop, and I followed him into the room and asked him to come out to dinner with us all, because it’s so ugly in front of people. My son started kicking me (kicking me, get out of here). I managed to cover my face so as not to get hit and covered my chest. At this time, apparently, the owner of the house heard and ran to my aid and defended me, my son got into a fight with an adult man who was old enough to be his father. The owner of the house turned out to be wise, he told him that he should not offend his mother, and held conversations with him. Some kind of hatred towards me, towards people. Then my friend’s husband conducted conversations after he offended me, and I was forced to tell my friends that my son was raising his hand against me. It was enough for the time when test-antibiotic.com had a conversation with him. And then I again lived in some kind of fear after a time when my son was in a bad mood. Then I got used to it, apparently.

Should I run to my mom's aid? It's useless. My mother, as it turned out, dreamed of a son all her life and even came up with a name, and I was born. The name was given to me spontaneously, because I was just a girl for a month. My mother always lowered my self-esteem, and she also began to allow this in front of my son, she has been nagging me all my life, I do everything wrong. So we live like a dotted line. My son studies at the institute and skips work for months. I asked him to go find out for two months that he was at the institute, and it ended with him packing his things and going to his grandmother (my mother). And they have an idyll. They don't need me, unfortunately.

What did I do wrong, why my family doesn’t need me, this is probably who I am. I am compassionate, I will always come to the rescue and help. I carry all this within myself (I haven’t talked about my problem with anyone for a long time, how am I doing). Before test-antibiotic.com he left me for his grandmother’s place, there was almost no communication, just food andinternet _ If I asked him for something, he gave me an ultimatum: “If you buy it for me, I’ll help you.” For example, do something on the computer, or go to the pharmacy. It just won’t help, he tells me openly: “When you’re old, don’t count on me, I won’t come to you, and I’ll put you in a nursing home.”

Why such hatred towards me? I don’t bring men or company to our house, I’m clean, I always cook delicious food that he likes, I can joke and talk about any topic. But I'm not needed. I impose myself on my family. Recently I went to visit my friend, her son was there, he was the same age as mine, and she couldn’t stand it, burst into tears, they hugged me and her son said: “How good you are, who offends you like that?” How to live further? For what?