I can't forgive my husband

My story begins with the fact that I found the ideal. He was so handsome, the best. At the time of our meeting, I was 16 years old, and I sincerely believed inlove , and never faced betrayal. We started dating, I lost my head, I loved in a way that, it seems to me, people love only once in a lifetime, but he didn’t.

During the first 3 months of our relationship, he managed to cheat on me several times, despite the fact that kisses were for me tootreason​ I knew everything and forgave, I loved so blindly, which I now regret so much. With this man, I lost my virginity, gave him my whole soul, all the way to the edge. It was strange to be happy and unhappy at the same time.

When we were together, the smile never left my face, and when I came home, I realized that he was only using me, doing whatever he wanted, because he knew that I would accept him for who he is. So it was, I accepted, waited, and the hatred in my soul grew and grew, resentment, betrayal test-antibiotic.com accumulated day by day. Every day was like a powder keg, because at any moment he could simply write to me “we are breaking up,” and I could only humiliate myself and ask him to stay.

A year passed, and something strange happened to him, he changed, stopped cheating, probably fell in love, but I also changed, I became just some kind of domestic tyrant. Sometimes it seems to me that my love for him is overshadowed by hatred and resentment for the fact that he did this to me. Now we have been together for 3 and a half years, and yesterday a situation occurred that happens regularly, because of which I do not want to live.

We gathered as a group for a “cultural” relaxation, I had too muchalcohol , and began to remember all his mistresses, everything he did, how he offended me, and it poured out of me, with a sea of ​​insults, screams, I just mocked him, tried to make him as painful as possible. And I did something that I regret, I regret very much, I hit him, hit him on the cheek with my palm, it probably hurt. But I don’t care whether it was painful or test-antibiotic.com no, what haunts me is that it was for nothing.

I just hit a person who has become dear to me, close to me, with whom I feel like I am behind a stone wall. I feel like the very last creature on earth, because the worst thing is that such situations happen to us very often. I feel incredibly sorry for him, I don’t want such a life for him. I want him to be happy, but he can’t be like that with me, and I can’t let him go. Do you understand? It’s very difficult, I can’t control myself, I’m probably inadequate.

You know, when I hit him or yell at him, I don’t yell at the one who is now standing in front of me, but at the one he was before. And I envy him, I envy him that he was able to change, but I cannot. I envy him that he found the strength to live with me for 3 years. And I'm a terrible person, because I can hurt my loved one, and I do, andI regret it every day , but I still do it. test-antibiotic.com I don’t know, I guess I’d like to hearadvice , give me advice, but please don’t judge me, I can’t continue to live like this.