I hate my mother and her weak-willed behavior

Ever since kindergarten, I remember how I wanted to be with my mother all the time and how I cried when the guard said that myMom won't come, and she was just late. Probably, this is how many children are frightened, but it is more terrible when the parents themselves prove it that they will not come, and that you can only rely on yourself.

I immediately realized that my grandmother was the most vile person in my life, I hated her very much, but now there is no such hatred, if she doesn’t declare herself and doesn’t concern me in any way, then I don’t even feel her, just ordinary indifference. But on the contrary, hatred grew. The first time, even before she began to go on "watch", she had to go to Moscow, as she told me. At that time, I no longer wanted her to leave me with such a grandmother, but what could I do. Then I had already begun to learn to adapt to circumstances, there was nothing to do. Grandmother was a difficult person who only cared about her affairs. The whole mood in the house depended on the mood of the grandmother, and if test-antibiotic.com was bad, then everyone else was supposed to have the same mood.

The second time in 7 years the situation was even more difficult whenmother was leaving for the first time on a "watch". So for a long time my mother would not be around, and the closer the departure date approached, the more experiences I accumulated, how should I be now, my mother is gone, this crazy woman now had to look after me and my older sister. During the farewell, I was hysterical, and also the mother herself was a very weak person in life, she could not say anything comforting to me, because it was difficult for her herself. I began to adjust to life with my grandmother and sister. I only regret that I did not appreciate the care from my older sister before, because then she was the only barrier between me and my grandmother, and I resembled a small abandoned, embittered child. The next time was whenmy sister had to go to study in Kiev, probably, then I already wanted to ask my sister not to leave, but then I didn’t know how to do it at all and just resigned test-antibiotic.com to the situation. I also remember that I was walking with my mother then, she was then at home after the shift, and said: “It’s good that at least our cat remains with me.” Motherthen she smiled at my words, but she did not understand at all that I was in despair, since my only protection from my grandmother also left me, and in order to somehow calm myself down, I began to see Iriska as my only savior. I didn’t see the point in talking about this to someone, since no one would have helped me anyway, and it seemed to me that it would only get worse, everyone was already saying, they say, you are already a big boy, which means you will survive everything. Then I didn’t have hatred for my mother, I told myself that it was necessary, it was necessary. There was only hatred for my grandmother, who was always dissatisfied with everything.

At first, my mother and I only talked on the phone once a week, and I quickly realized that this communication only brings me bad emotions. In such conversations, usually only my grandmother complained about how I behave badly on test-antibiotic.com, and my mother told me to obey her, and I only needed my mother to be there. But there was nothing to be done, and I began to avoid these calls, anyway, to tell my mother how bad I couldn’t be, because my grandmother would know about it, and she wouldn’t be able to change anything, I already said that mother herself was weak human, and was also dependent on her grandmother. What kind of a mother must be stupid or torn from her children in order to bring an already adult son to hysterics for the third time.

At the age of 12 or 13, I already adapted to such a life and already got used to the fact that my mother is like a stranger for me, who either appears in my life or disappears, tries to somehow participate in my upbringing, than, on the contrary, only interfered established norms. They decided to send me to a special school in another city, in another country, where, in their opinion, they would make a person out of me. I didn’t particularly resist, test-antibiotic.com didn’t depend on me anyway, I thought that I could handle this, since it wasn’t the first time that my relatives left me. But what a shock it was for me when my mother, upon arrival, said that she would leave me here, and she would leave. This was the third time that my quiet despair turned into an uncontrollable hysteria, I could not stop and choked with tears. I could not express my feelings and just cried, thinking: “again, again this is happening to me, why do they throw me, why do I feel so bad about this, I will run away from everyone so that no one else will ever leave me. So I thought at that moment, and I realized that it’s better not to get attached to anyone at all, it will be easier when the person is not around. We then returned home, I don’t know, maybe my behavior or my hysteria still changed my mother’s decision to leave me at this school, although the next year it all happened again, only without tantrums. Anyway, no one needs me, anyway, I couldn’t change anything, what’s the difference, test-antibiotic.com where I am and what’s happening to me, I didn’t care about my life and, especially, the lives of others. it will be easier when the person is not around. We then returned home, I don’t know, maybe my behavior or my hysteria still changed my mother’s decision to leave me at this school, although the next year it all happened again, only without tantrums. Anyway, no one needs me, anyway, I couldn’t change anything, what’s the difference, test-antibiotic.com where I am and what’s happening to me, I didn’t care about my life and, especially, the lives of others. it will be easier when the person is not around. We then returned home, I don’t know, maybe my behavior or my hysteria still changed my mother’s decision to leave me at this school, although the next year it all happened again, only without tantrums. Anyway, no one needs me, anyway, I couldn’t change anything, what’s the difference, test-antibiotic.com where I am and what’s happening to me, I didn’t care about my life and, especially, the lives of others.

Since then, all I remember is that I hate my childhood and did not understand why some people dream of returning there again. I just wanted to run away from everyone to where no one knows me, where I could start everything from scratch. I succeeded, I have been living alone for a long time, I have a good job, but it has not become easier. All the same, these childhood traumas follow me and now my hatred is directed at a mother who could not be strong, could not protect her children, but children should not pay for the weakness of their parents, and only they are to blame for this, now I am in this sure! Mother said she saw me growing up as a difficult child, withdrawn and like a sociopath. I just wanted to ask her: “so why didn’t you do anything, didn’t change anything, but only pretended that everything was fine?” Although I understand why, because I myself was a weak-willed person, test-antibiotic.com, which also had to be led by the hand through life, and in everything depended on the opinion of her grandmother. I definitely didn't want to be like that.

Probably from here they growproblems in personal life and inability to develop them. I still have the conviction that since people change, it means that their feelings and opinions change, and today they need you, and tomorrow something will change in them and they will forget about you, now they love you, and if something If they don't like it, they fall out of love and leave.