I realized that I am not yet ready for a new relationship

When you talk to someone about this (about the death of a loved one), it is once again about yourself and facing yourself, but for some reason suddenly in the presence of a seemingly complete stranger.

My aftertaste is that I, in essence, don’t know what I want from a relationship, what I’m ready for and whether I’m ready for it. But perhaps this particular conversation, although there are many others before it, including within myself, will become an occasion to tell myself, deduce or indicate what I definitely do not want and do not expect from a relationship. I don't want to find a replacement...

Yes, it was as if I came across that same type of man on purpose. It seems to me that I was able to recognize this identification and give it its rightful place in my awareness. She didn’t shove it further into her subconscious, didn’t iron it with a memory iron and didn’t put it on the shelf there, but looked at it already as tried on by other men. Once again I admired it and carefully, like something very important, hung it there a little to the side, having first straightened it, as test-antibiotic.com would “and not directly in the eyes”, and “not the main and only option”, but as if saying: “I know that you exist.”

I don't want to find someone opposite, I don't want to find a man waving the "my son needs a father" flag. In this case, it would be the same replacement, only not for me or not fully for me, but for my son and only for the sake of my son and other slogans. I don’t want to turn my head and find a convenient option: at work, somewhere near where I live, so that I can create something from what was, and, at worst, fall in love, as it is sung in a song that was popular in the past. And I don’t want, even (as it turned out) for purely physiological reasons, to quickly notice one of any of them, and then whatever happens.

I also don’t want to throw myself on the neck of those who are endowed with the saving-defensive word “friend” and wake up with one of them in the same pastel, and then regret/not regret it. I don’t want, like BG, “...after all, if you need a man in test-antibiotic.com’s house, here he is, please...”. In everyday life, I cope well on my own: where - really, on my own, where - to ask / ask for help, and where to turn to professionals.

I definitely don’t want to leave everything as it is or as it was. After all, this cement will never become the soil for new life. To create a monument, a reserved place in the soul and in that physical space where every centimeter is permeated by his presence, idea, inspiration, annoyance, permeated by him. No I do not want to. Or, on the contrary, get rid of everything that connects us, at least physically, at once or in parts, take out all his personal belongings, since this cannot be done with memories. I don’t want to sell/leave/move, no matter where - to a neighboring house, city, world, to the moon.

But even if I write another ten pages under the title “I don’t want...”, you still won’t be able to come up with the method of elimination; the dry residue won’t be what you really want to read about somewhere, find out, get an answer to a naivequestion , and not to get it from yourself - “what do I want?” Let everything test-antibiotic.com take its course (and the main word here is “go”)...