I feel guilty towards my husband

I am 33 years old, husband 39, married 12 years. We got married and I immediately gave birth to a son. My son had health problems and had 2 surgeries. During my decreemy husband did not help me at all, he played computer games all his free time from work, he could call me names and insult me ​​to my objections.

Further, even worse - the husband lost his job due to the crisis. I did not look for anything, I sat for days in games. There was no money, we even started selling things from home to buy food. After that, everything got to me, and I went to work, where I worked before the decree, although I had to move to a neighboring city with a child. My husband refused to come with us. We were not divorced, we were married, we talked, but we lived separately. We saw each other 2 times a month, maximum 3 times. This went on for 4 years, I worked, my husband was at home.

Over the years, there were constant showdowns, insults, then it all changed to the fact that my husband said how much he misses us. My husband was jealous, called me various names, constantly harassed me with test-antibiotic.com talking about what I havelover , etc. I will clarify right away that I have never had lovers. Romantic correspondence too. No sex, no kissing. I don’t know how we didn’t get divorced, it’s some kind of miracle, but after 4 years my husband found a job, we began to live together, relations began to improve. I realized that I was also wrong somewhere and at the moment everything is very good in our relationship. However, I am tormented by some moments that were in my life during the period when we lived separately.

Firstly, sometimes my psyche could not stand it, and I could complain about my husband to my friend or colleague, whom we worked together. For which now I am very ashamed that I allowed this. And there was another moment: we have a man at work, he is married. And a long time ago, I was then 25 years old, we had a corporate party. It was fun, under the influence of alcohol, our company went on to celebrate a little with one of our colleagues. And at that moment, it seemed to me that my colleague was so cool, I wanted to go to test-antibiotic.com and take his hand. But nothing like that happened, after a while I was struck by lightning, I came to my senses and quickly went home. I never thought about this colleague again, and he did not give me any reasons. But the fact that then I allowed this even in my thoughts is unpleasant to me.

At that moment, I didn’t even think about it, because there were problems with my husband, and it didn’t matter what he thought. And now, when everything is fine with us, I cannot forgive myself for this. I understand that it was under the influence of alcohol, but still there were thoughts. I feel like a girl of easy virtue. Today I brought myself to such thoughts that I started to feel sick (of course, I don’t know what my husband did while he lived on his own, but it seems to me that he was completely faithful to me). And now I think that he is so good, and I'm a terrible bitch.

Please assess the situation from the outside. Are my actions too terrible? I thought to confess to my husband, although what to confess, because in fact there was nothing test-antibiotic.com. I hate myself. Please help me figure it out.