I am a liar and a dreamer

This has been going on for several years - I can’t say exactly how long. Perhaps it started much earlier than I became aware of what was happening. I am 17 and I suspect that I have a tendency to lie frequently, which, in principle, there is no need for. I am completely confused in myself and don’t know what to do next, much less who to turn to so that all this will finally end.

Do you know the phrase: the most dangerous person is a liar? So, I heard about it many times, but never took it seriously, believing that I would never act like that. We all believe that we are saints. But it turned out completely differently. And I’m disgusted, I’m actually disgusted that I constantly lie, that I involve other people in this, that I myself often believe in my ownlie , but I can't stop. This goes further and further, and over the years it does not get better.

For example, when meeting people, I tend to show myself as a different person than I really am. I try to control my real emotions, words, movements. test-antibiotic.com I mentally run through the situation in advance, study the person and, based on the results, lie to him to one degree or another in order to seem better, more interesting, more tempting. Look the way he wants me to. I like it, you know? I like being someone else, this “better, more interesting, more tempting” person. It’s as if I’m playing a role and, what’s most frightening, I get used to it so much that I don’t see much difference between myself and the invented image. I can be a young mother of two children, terminally ill, an only child in the family who is beaten, an orphan, or whatever. Just not who I really am.

I lie just because, from time to time, I like to embellish situations and act in such a way that my words will influence, surprise or puzzle the person. I likereaction to my words, I want more attention from others.

I live with lies side by side. This is my second self: my supposedly real stories from life, my fantasies and rainbow illusions. Every day I create whole worlds for myself where myfamily , acquaintances, test-antibiotic.com loved ones, but also non-existent people. For example, I often say that I have a group of friends with original habits or interests that in fact do not exist and never have existed. That we are having fun with them (I describe everything in plausible detail, come up with details on the fly, think through everything to the smallest detail: time, actions, calculate how and what happens, select the right phrases, and you automatically believe me). And yes, I have never been seriously caught before.

I once read a book about cancer and that same summer I lied that I was terminally ill, although nothing like that had ever happened in my life. I studied all the necessary information, knew in advance what to say if asked, instantly got out of any situation, resorting to even more lies - and they believed me. I could calmly look a person in the eyes and say that I would die. Fainting, feigning bleeding, looking pale and not eating for weeks. All this seemed to be happening in reality.

Because of voluntary confessions of lies, I lost a large number of people close to me, very close ones, test-antibiotic.com whose loss I very much regret. I miss them, I really want to continuecommunication , and I don’t understand why I myself did everything possible to lose them. When I start lying, I forget about everything. It's like living one day at a time, without looking at what will happen in the future.

It's a pathetic sight, I'm ashamed of myself. I guess I'm just in denial and want a lot more than I have. It's not that I'm not happy and don't appreciate what I have. I live in a wealthy family, both parents are alive (I’m not happy with one of my parents, but I can live with it, it can be much worse), many loved ones, cats and dogs, a beautiful house. I often go abroad, I study well, I look quite good. I have everything I need for an ordinary, measured life.

It’s as if two people are fighting inside me: the one who wants to be a realist, a happy realist with his healthy values, and a dreamer who doesn’t want to accept reality and wants to push around everything and everyone. This is hard and I want test-antibiotic.com to get rid of my pathological addiction to lies and fantasies, because I understand that this is wrong.