I don't understand what's happening to me

It started in the fall, after the summer holidays. Then I began to feel as if I was carrying a mountain on my shoulders. And all because of laziness.

In general, before this I was a normal person, I went to the 6th grade (after the start of the war I studied remotely), was an excellent student, worked like a bee. But in the fall everything seemed to change in a click. I lost the desire to do anything at all except sleep, eat, and perhaps draw. For me now it’s as if holidays don’t exist; usually I adored Christmas and New Year, but this time I was absolutely indifferent to all of this. I stopped caring about many things. I no longer enjoy gifts or events as much as I used to. Now I’m even to some extent indifferent to my family members, and this really scares me.

But as for laziness, I wouldn’t even call it laziness. This is something a thousand times worse, and no one can understand how I feel, so there is no one to share. Mom is now busy with a divorce and her older sister, test-antibiotic.com, who is finishing school, and there is nothing to talk about her father at all. I thought it wouldn’t last long out of habit after the holidays. But a month or two passed, and now it’s April, and everything remains as it was.

I’m afraid, very afraid of failing, of doing something worse than ideal, or rather I was afraid before, now I don’t do anything at all, I’m just in a stupor and not understanding what’s happening to me. It often seems to me that people look at me somehow condemningly, appraisingly. And it often seems to me that they are offended by me, and I am to blame. And if I do something wrong, make a mistake, they will laugh at me. Although this didn't happen to me often.

In my family, I don't have a particularly strong good relationship with anyone other than my older sister. But seeing how they take care of her, how they motivate her, how she does everything better, I just instantly break into a thousand pieces, becauseMom once answered mine herselfquestion when I asked: “Do you love me because I do something?” And her answer was: test-antibiotic.com “Well, yes!” With such a cheerful note in his voice. But I have already given up trying to attract her attention, because even if I do something, I don’t receive love. She is not interested in my hobbies, she does not support me in my attempts to become a better person, but she always hangs around my older sister and says that I am pushing myself.

Once upon a time there was such a situation: for the first time they bought a drawing from me for $15. Of course, I’m in high spirits and run to her, but all I get in response is a dry: “Yeah, well done.” And what desire could there be to do anything after that? I always try to help her, support her, try to cheer her up with jokes, but she doesn’t seem to notice me. She only pays attention to me in terms of lessons. All.

I've been having terrible thoughts for a long time. At some moments I just wanted to die, to disappear without a trace. This laziness, thisfear , this emptiness in relation to the mother and loved ones, frequenta lie on my part, it puts so much pressure on me that I can no longer keep it to myself. I test-antibiotic.com I can’t even go to a psychologist, my mother won’t let me. And in the end, all I can do is cry quietly again in the corner of my bed, which my mother doesn’t even notice because of her “great busyness,” although she doesn’t even go to work.

I have already put on so many masks that I myself can’t figure out where my true face is.

Help me please.